Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
