1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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