i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
