Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
