I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
