My first STD was from a foam party
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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