So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Floor bacon is actually really good
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