Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
