Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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