1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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