I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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