If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
