I just threw up on my dentist
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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