I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
