a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We have started to decorate penises.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
