Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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