I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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