he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
