Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize