Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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