Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
