I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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