dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
