i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
