I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
