I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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