when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
