Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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