Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
