I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
