you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
