Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
