I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
