There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
