I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
