Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
