You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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