I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
