the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't deserve a penis
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
