I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
