i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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