a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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