both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
