Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
