I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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