My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
