I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
