you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
