Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
