There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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