i think my tv is drunk
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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