im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize