i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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