Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
