In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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