Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Naked. naked and bneed help.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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