im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
