Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
